It may take some time for people to understand you changed

Recently I saw a post on my favorite Forum, Powerful Intentions, a post about a person who was very negative, and was working very hard to be positive. But his friends and family still saw him as that negative person, and treated him accordingly. Would it be possible that people weren’t seeing he changed?

Every behavioral change is a change in the relationship’s balance. This is actually studied by psychologists. I’m sure we have psychologists around, they will know more about this than I :) Please comment to this post with your 2 cents. But I like the subject and I study a little on my own.

It is rather common, for instance, that a overweight daughter starts a diet and the mother (unconsciously) start sabotaging the diet by making cakes and other fatty dishes that the daughter likes. This is not because the mother doesn’t love the daughter. But the overweight relationship is known by the mother. The mother is comfortable like it is. The moment the daughter decides to change, the relationship will need to find a new balance. The mother will have to deal with the change on the daughter self esteem, clothes, image, even friends, dates, etc.

This is a lame example, but the same happens when you decide to change your train of thoughts. Your friends are used to see you negative. Maybe they’re used to the fact that, compared to you, they’re positive. Maybe they even like that, to have someone to take care of. Maybe the balance of your relationship with them is that you’re the complainer and they’re the solution provider. Once you don’t need their solutions anymore, you and your friends will need to find a new balance for your relationship. Some friendships that are too focused on the old balance might not survive. You’ll straighten some other friendships, and you’ll make new friends.

I know this because I actually lost my husband when I became a positive person. Today I see he was an awful choice for me, a choice of a negative person. But back then I needed him to help me and he liked to be the solution provider. Once I didn’t need him anymore, our relationship couldn’t find a new balance. He consistently tried to put me down so I needed him again. He did awful things just to make me feel depressed, so he could again be the positive person on the relationship and I the one who needed help. He wanted to be the strong one, and as I gre stronger, the only way he found to be the strong one again was to make me feel like s**t, pardon the word. But I didn’t need his help anymore. If he couldn’t be my friend and husband instead of being the one who supported everything, then we couldn’t be together. We spent a terrible year together until he did something so awful I had to leave. The best decision I ever made :)

Today I have a wonderful fiancé, who loves me and wants to walk besides me. He understands that I don’t need help, I need a friend, company and love. I need someone to be there if I need it, but I have no intention to need help. We’ll get married soon, with church, party, the whole package. I’m so much happier now, you can’t even imagine. I never thought I could love someone so much, and he thinks the same way. He’s the best person I know, and I’m so lucky to have him.

So don’t give up if for an instant it seems like nobody gets you. Being positive will bring you happiness, even if some short term events might make you feel disoriented. But believe me, you’re on the right track! And the people who stay besides you now will be much closer. You’ll meet new people, who are more like you are now. Your live will improve 200%.

Love to y’all!